if you saw me in aisle 7 of Target on Tuesday, please forgive me.
I am sorry you had to see that.
i chose aisle 7 because I thought it would have the least amount of people. It's the pet food aisle.
I was wrong. I swear people spend more money on their cat food then they do on their own. I also saw they had POTATO CHIPS for your dog? ugh.
that is besides the point.
i went to the cat food aisle because I didn't want anyone I knew to see me cry. for some reason that made sense to me. at the time.
no. i didn't cry because they didn't have the CUUUTE Orla Kiley phone case I wanted in my iphone size. (seriously people, there are some of us out there that STILL have an iphone 4.)
i didn't cry because they have stopped selling my keurig cups in cafe vanilla latte. (BOOOOO!)
i cried because i wanted school supplies.
i wanted the pink flowered stapler.
i wanted the chevron covered 5 subject notebook.
I WANTED THE PACK OF NEON MECHANICAL PENCILS!
I could have been starting school in a few weeks.
I applied to grad school at Western in the school counseling program.
they accepted 6 students.
I had an interview and found out I was on the waiting list. Everyone confirmed their spot. AKA I didn't get it.
When it initially happened, it really didn't seem to bother me. I worked lots, decided that God was trying to tell me something and that was not where he wanted me.
I think that was all pent up and exploded on the lunch box aisle. (They have freaking AMAZING tupperware now days y'all.)
I WANTED to be a student, and WWU decided no.
The whole concept of it really made me mad. Who are they to decide what I should do with my life? I want to take notes with a uni-ball roller pen in a new pencil pouch, so I should get to.
right? RIGHT?
instead, I was at Target filling up my cart with this.
I think it's a little more sensitive this year because not only did I not get into the grad program but my sister is starting her first year of teaching! She is teaching the same grade at the same school with one of my besties, and while I am soooo happy for her and excited and know God made her to be a teacher, I suppose I am kind of jealous.
After my tantrum in the pet food aisle, I pulled it together.
Was it really the white out pen that I wanted?
Or was it the excitement of something new?
Did I really want that new planner starting in September or was it more the idea of a clean slate, a new school "year?"
I started to realize it wasn't the blank sticky notes I wanted nor the highlighters, but instead the promise of being "in" something. Being taught. Being inspired. Having a direction.
and ya know what?
I don't need to pay tuition to do that.
I took my toilet paper and paper towels and walked up to that counter. When I first got to the store, it was almost like I was ashamed. I didn't have kids buying school supplies, I wasn't a teacher stocking up on supplies or a student getting what I needed to get through the upcoming year.
I felt like I didn't deserve to be around those aisles. I didn't get a fresh start, I didn't get a new binder with paper to fill.
I don't know what it was about the pet food aisle that helped with my a-ha moment but i'll take it.
God reminded me that I don't need to be a "student" following a syllabus. I think that the concept of following a guided lesson makes me comfortable. I know what is expected of me, what I will learn and when it is due. I know that I will get a good grade on my report, and finish the class with a final exam.
I will study and have group projects and when I finish I will get some credits added to my transcript.
I think that is "safe" to me. I know what to expect.
God doesn't want me there right now.
:) and for some ironic reason, I learned that in the cat food aisle. :)
