my horse analogy

we usually leave our pre-marital class fighting and screaming at each other. Seriously. I don't know if we will ever get to a compromise about how many nights a month we will entertain guests or using a surrogate mother versus adopting. I pray we don't ever have to make that decision.


last week, something clicked.


Drew and I have seriously had the BEST week of our relationship that I can remember in five years.

last week, we talked about interdependence vs. co-dependence.

stick with me, stick with me. :)

I used to think that Drew was supposed to make me a better person and vica-versa. Our relationship was on the right track when this was happening, and when one of us was struggling with something, the other person was definitely not doing their job.


co-dependence:
by definition, it's making the relationship more important to you, than you are to yourself.
~two people form a relationship because they feel incomplete without the other.
~two halfs are trying to make a whole.
~"we need each other"


nothing about this sounds wrong to me. i thought that's what love meant.


interdependence:
Each person feels like a person on their own and yet the other person adds a dimension that only she or he can fill.
~Although each person is whole, the other is somehow part of oneself.
~BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO THIS, YOU MUST GET TO A LEVEL OF INDEPENDENCE.


okay. i thought independence was bad. we needed each other. we couldn't survive without each other. i wasn't supposed to be an i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t woman any longer.


I was worried that Drew and I didn't have enough shared hobbies.


When he had a bad day at work, I would feel guilty talking about what a great day I had.


PEOPLE. WE WERE TRYING TO BE CODEPENDENT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS AKA MARRIED PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO. I need you, I want you, oh baby, oh baby. etc. "oh, you don't feel like going to the gym tonight? Me neither... when secretly I really do..."


it was not working and we were trying SO hard.


now. i am not saying we are simply business parterns. we still need each other and feel for each other, but realize it's OKAY and actually HEALTHY to be okay on our own.


the best part?

being okay on our OWN, makes it even GREATER together :)


there is even a THEORY named after this!

the two horse rule: ( i hate this, because I don't really like horses but whatev)
A draft horse can pull 700 pounds. So logically, two draft horses could pull 1,500 pounds, right? Wrong. Two draft horses can pull 3,000 pounds! :)


I would get mad, when he WOULDN'T get mad, when I wouldn't want to go for a run with him. I thought that meant we didn't "need" each other enough and were doomed for divorce.


Nope. that is actually what we are striving for.


we won't be able to pull that 3,000 pounds unless I am strong enough and healthy enough to pull my 700 pounds. (sorry about the horse analogy, it's all i got :)


3,000 pounds of whatever life can throw at us at a time :)

"if you try to build intimacy with another person before you get whole on your own- all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."

~Dr. Les Parrott