Going to the Chapel, and We're Gonna...?!?!?!

"So you are going to walk down the aisle, but then where are you going?"

I saw this quote somewhere and immediately I was like... "hmm. I don't know. I want Mexico but Drew thinks we will get kidnapped there. So maybe Tahiti? No, that's hurricane season there. Hmm.. I just don't know. Somewhere all-inclusive for SURE..." on and on and on and on.

Oh. Wait. The quote didn't mean where are you literally going after you walk down the aisle, they meant where in life and as a couple. Oh...

Ok, I have thought awhile about writing this post, and it does feel weird to actually see these words, but I think it is a topic that more people need to be okay with.

I. AM. PETRIFIED. TO. GET. MARRIED.

So now that that is out there, I feel much better already. But before you get all mad and send me texts asking if I need to talk over coffee or up my shrink visits to 2X per week :), hear me out.

I have been guilty of this for as long as I can remember. Someone gets an engaged and has a pretty ring (well, or an ugly ring, I don't discriminate) and the first thing I ask, "How is the wedding planning????" or "Are you SO excited?". I realized that in half of these said scenarios I probably don't even know the future groom's NAME. Or ANYTHING really about the couple.

I go straight from "congratulations!" to oohhh when's the big day/where's the venue/are you having cupcakes or cake.

My dear friend Kailee texted me a few weeks ago asking what colors my future kitchen was going to be? (PS when someone texts you that while they are at Crate and Barrel you should be excited :)

Colors of my future kitchen? WHAT?

I had spent the last few months stressing over what color the freaking FLOWERS were going to be in my wedding bouquet! Colors for a kitchen? Psshh... No time to think about silly details like that, I have tableclothes to pick out...

Even though the colors of a kitchen may still seem trivial and not-important, this question really opened up my eyes. I was SOOOO focused on planning the wedding and our special day, that we had barely given ANY thought to the significance of this day, and what it meant for the rest of our lives.

So many brides seem so cool and calm and collected, organizing vendors and scheduling cake testing sessions, that I never hear any questions or thoughts about AFTER that Saturday evening.

At work, someone I rarely talk to asked if I was "excited to get married."

I smiled my biggest smile, and said, "yes, I think it is kind of stressful right now but when we finally make some big decisions it should get better." I was talking about venues and bridesmaid dresses. She looked at me with a confused look on her face and said, "No, no. I wasn't talking about your wedding! I meant are you excited to BE married?"

I was so caught off guard. It was the first time someone had really asked me that.

I was kind of stumbling around for words and she leaned over, put her hands on my shoulders and said,

"sweetheart, you can be marrying the man of your dreams and still be scared to death. it's okay"

She got me. I couldn't cover up my fears with talk about the expensive caterer or my nervousness with choosing someone to do the flowers.

I walked to the microwave to put in my lean cuisine (P.S. don't try the chicken suiziki enchiladas. gross.) and said (more to myself than to her) "I am actually scared ****less. Thanks for asking :)

Was I scared I was making the wrong decision? No. I am scared I won't know how to be the kind of wife Drew deserves.

I am scared I won't know how to wash men's dressy button up shirts? Warm wash or cold wash?

I have never, ever made soup that wasn't out of a can.

I am SO scared that we won't remember when our bills are due and our electricity will get turned off.

I am PETRIFIED of the day I just want cereal for dinner and Drew comes home from a 10 hour day wanting a pot roast.

I am scared to DEATH of having to make a pot roast. I eat my pot roast with ketchup and still don't know the difference between a skillet and a boiler pan. Ugh.

I am scared of having the flu and not being able to have my mom make me a bed on the couch with orange Gatorade. And Drew won't know that I have to have a straw.

There are all sorts of books and magazines about how to plan a wedding or be a bridesmaid but how to be a wife? Umm.. haven't come across anything about that yet.

After thoroughly freaking out the girl who asked me if I was excited to be MARRIED, I realized just how good it felt to feel OKAY about being scared.

I think I was trying to be a "good" bride-to-be and was acting like everything was a-ok and my biggest worry for the next nine months was if my hair would be long enough to do a chignon bun.

I'm nervous. Nope, not just for the wedding. For the day after the wedding. and the day after that and the day after that.

and ya know what? Nervous doesn't mean bad :)

So thanks S, for asking in the lunch room if I was excited to be married. NOT if I was excited for the wedding. I needed that. :)

and ya know what? My fears were somewhat alleviated tonight when my mom said, "ya know it's just so weird. Rings NEVER look good on you, but your engagement ring is just perfect for you."

perfect.

nervous, scared, petrified, stressed. PERFECT :)